Christians Have Wounds Too
Updated: Aug 18, 2018
I don't know how to start this.
I don't even know if I want anyone to read this blog! But I know that eventually the things I will write on here could relate to someone and provide some hope somewhere in this empty world.
Recently I recorded and uploaded a video on YouTube about my Christian Testimony. It's been sitting on private for a few weeks and I can't seem to get the guts to make it public. Why? Because I'm a closed book.
So much heartache happened this year and it basically forced me to either say, see ya God life is too hard I don't want to talk to you, or to fall into His arms and see what He would do. And since I'd already experimented with the first one a couple years ago (and it made everything worse), I didn't have any other choice but to dive into Jesus Christ. Anything I could find. A book, a song, visiting churches, bible study groups, I even started interacting with people who believe in same God that I do! And I say that with an exclamation mark because like I said, I've been a closed book.
I grew up loving conversation, loving people. As a little girl I used to walk up to people on the street and go up to them and all that would come out of my mouth was, "Do you believe in Jesus?" "Um... sure." "You should because he loves you so much!"
I never got any bad reactions of course, people probably thought it was cute. But things change as you get older. I actually walked down that same street today and for some reason the hope and courage I had as a child was not there this morning. Instead, my heart was pounding because of my anxiety and I drove back home and cried in front of my desk while I tried to study. Sound familiar?
Yeah, me too. Crazy how time creates wounds. It's more crazy to me when we don't try to deal with those wounds. If there is one thing I've been learning in 2018, it's how important DEALING with brokenness is. Especially as Christians! We try to love and care for others but our hearts are broken too. And yes, Jesus gives us joy. But I am talking about the deep, deep wounds that we may not even know are there because we've shut them off for so long. The wounds we've carried for so many years that it almost feels worse peeling off the band-aid.
The reason I can't seem to upload this Testimony is literally because I hate talking about myself. I don't want to open the book. The book of me, the person I should be (if I didn't have fear, regret and shame). People I meet would have one conversation with me and probably describe me as really open and deep, but I am so far from it. It's been a long time since I've opened up to someone and not regretted it. I always walk away from a conversation wishing I just kept my mouth shut - even when I didn't say something personal! Even if I say something to my family I'll walk into my room and wish I could bite my tongue off. Its almost crippling to talk!
I have found SO much comfort in the fact that people don't know me and my personal struggles even when they think they do. Do I feel safer? Of course I do. If no one knows me, no one can hurt me, right? But do I feel better? Sometimes, but not really.
Sometimes I think I feel better, because I value the feeling of safety over anything else. But I also feel trapped in this cycle of never being able to relax... around anyone. This issue has stopped me from singing and writing songs because I don't know how to write lyrics that aren't from my soul. It's stopped me from asking if someone is okay because I don't want to open up about my own life. It's made me hold grudges towards people who have betrayed me, because well, now I don't trust anyone. It's made me change as a person because although I do love being alone, I'm not interacting with people the way my soul would desire. In other words, I'm not fully living as the person God created me to be (relational, talkative, open, caring).
Even now, I don't want to share this. I want to keep my mouth shut, I guess the broken part of me feels better when I don't share my thoughts. Over the years I've come to the conclusion that the words I want to say, don't matter. But that has somehow stopped me from caring about others the way I've always wanted to.
But let's not forget that the enemy will always target what you have influence for Jesus over. I love to talk. I love to sing. I love to write. I have seen my words create destruction and I've seen them bring people to Jesus. So why WOULDN'T the devil try to whisper lies and do anything he can to shut me up?
"The devil will always target what you have influence for Jesus over."
I can honestly say I've been wholeheartedly seeking Jesus the last few months (like I said, I didn't have a choice! He was all I had!) and all I have wanted to do lately is share my faith, tell people about Jesus or simply love people and care for them properly.
And that's when I realised that my closed book is a problem. My personal struggles hold a huge part of my faith. How do I share what God has done for me without telling people the story? And if I tell the story but don't let my heart connect, how can that touch people the way it should? Am I even being honest? How do I love and care for people if I back off every time they get too close?
I haven't fixed this. But I want to. I don't know how entirely, but God does. All I know is that this OBVIOUSLY stems from a pretty deep wound somewhere in my soul. And since it affects how I spread the Gospel, I need to deal with it. You might have things that hold you back, too. Maybe you have a different kind of wound. But a sore will always get worse if you don't deal with it.
Jesus didn't just die to take away our sins. He shed his blood to make things better, to heal, to clean. If we believe God for physical healing, why can't he provide mental and emotional healing? We all know how damaging emotional trauma is and just because we follow Jesus doesn't mean our hearts don't need a little surgery. We follow the Creator of this Universe but we don't think he's capable of healing our deepest scars of rejection, neglect, abandonment, betrayal, mockery, abuse? Nah, my God is powerful. He's capable of that.
Ask him for it. Pray that he shows you how.
My body is going to react in fear when I post this and make this visible for people to see... but God is always greater. So let's rely on him like we tell other people they can do.
If the video goes on public, you can watch it here:
Be blessed and stay strong! - Elizabeth
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."